The Gospel passage (Mt 18-15-20) recommends a procedure to build a humble community in 3 steps:
Step 1: Go and show him or her fault, just between the two of you, person to person.
Step 2: If he or she will not listen, go a second time accompanied by one or two trusted companions.
Step 3: Bring the case before the Church.
Jesus said, “Go and Show him or her fault.” Affirm the relationship. Let the person know that you are seeking to resolve the conflict, not to assign blame. Let the person know up front how much they mean to you.
Make observations, not accusations. That means addressing actions that have occurred, rather than pointing a finger or attacking their character. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel that you did me wrong” is better than “You are a liar! You don’t care about anyone but yourself!” Address what you have seen, perceived, and felt. Don’t accuse and put someone on the defensive. Take ownership of your feelings.
Get the facts. After you make your observations, allow the other person to respond. There may be things that you have misunderstood or not been aware of. We should never correct out of anger, or a desire to punish. When the other person is responding, keep your ears open and mouth shut. Don’t interrupt! Let the person finish.
The point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The point is to restore trust and harmony.
Make the effort to find healing in the relationship.
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